On the weekend I had a strange encounter on Instagram. This person told me that if I think positively, all my problems would disappear. I blocked her as I didn’t want to waste my precious energy on that person.
I wrote this essay about toxic positivity because it is important to learn how to cope with and distinguish ourselves from such individuals. There will always be someone who says very unhelpful things, and even if we can’t change them directly, we can change how to react to them!
When you suffer from one or more chronic illnesses you know it is not only the physical struggle, but also an emotional. If you have followed my newsletter so far, you know I am all about maintaining a positive mindset. But there is also a dark side to it which is called “toxic positivity”.
This term refers to the unhealthy expectation that we should always keep a positive attitude, regardless of our circumstances, feelings and conditions. I believe in promoting positivity for emotional well-being, but I also acknowledge and face my own dark days, negative emotions, and struggles. I always think of the old a-ha song “Crying in the Rain” (watch it here!).
It is about heartache, but could also be about me coping with chronic illness. I tend to keep it to myself and find my “rain” to do some crying or talk to people around me who know me well. This way I cope with my negative emotions – you might do something different, which is also okay! I don’t want to invalidate anyone’s experience of dealing with a chronic illness. Because this is exactly what toxic positive people do!
Examples of toxic positivity
These are statements you might have heard over the years!
Invalidating Statements
- “Just think positive, and your illness will go away.”
- “It could be worse. You should be grateful.”
“You’re not sick; you’re just not trying hard enough.”
Minimizing the Illness
- “I know someone who had the same thing, and they’re fine now.”
- “You’re strong; you’ll get through this quickly.”
- “Stay positive, and you won’t even notice the pain.”
Shaming Negative Emotions
- “You’re so negative all the time; it’s not helping anyone.”
- “You’re bringing everyone down with your attitude.”
- “Why can’t you be more optimistic?”
Dealing with Toxic Positivity When Chronically Ill
But there are ways to deal with this toxic positivity. And that doesn’t mean punching those people in the face, no matter how much we would like to!
Acknowledge Your Emotions
It’s crucial to recognize that experiencing negative emotions is valid when living with a chronic illness. Allow yourself to feel sadness, frustration, or anger when needed. Suppressing these emotions can lead to further stress and mental health issues. Journaling is one of my biggest help as well as having a little rant with my partner. He is always there to make fun of those people!
Educate Others
Sometimes, people may not realize the harm their toxic positivity is causing. Politely and calmly educate them about your condition and the importance of understanding your emotional journey. Share resources to help them better comprehend your situation. I taught myself some standard phrases I can fall back to when I am explaining my situation. These vary from pure information to vivid and harsh imagery, especially when I talk about how I react to gluten. I have celiac disease and spare you the details here…
Set Boundaries
Establishing clear boundaries with family, friends, and even healthcare providers is essential. Let them know when you need space, when certain topics are off-limits, and how they can provide meaningful support. And if a doctor tells me that ME/CFS is just in my head, I tell them to f**** off. I don’t have the time or energy for someone like this.
Seek Support from Like-Minded Individuals
Joining support groups or online communities about your condition can be incredibly helpful. Connecting with people who understand your struggles can provide a safe space to share experiences and emotions.
Practice Self-Compassion
Self-care and self-love are essential components of coping with a chronic illness. Treat yourself with kindness and compassion. Be patient with yourself on difficult days, and remember that your worth is not determined by your health.
Communicate Your Needs
Don’t hesitate to express your needs when interacting with friends and family. Let them know how they can genuinely support you without resorting to toxic positivity.
Stop Communicating
Like I did with the person on Instagram, you are allowed to stop communicating with a toxic positive person. This can be difficult if the person is a family member or a co-worker. But your health is still more important. So if nothing else helps, stop the communication.
Conclusion
Living with a chronic illness is a unique and challenging experience, and it’s essential to have a support system that respects your emotional journey. Toxic positivity can hinder your ability to cope with your condition and your overall well-being. To create a supportive environment for managing your chronic illness, acknowledge your emotions, educate others, and set boundaries. This will help you navigate with authenticity and resilience. Remember, it’s okay not to be okay sometimes, and seeking help and support is a sign of strength, not weakness.